chocolatecrack: (you make me smile so stay for a while)
chocolatecrack ([personal profile] chocolatecrack) wrote2012-06-02 09:53 pm

If You Ever Come Back

Title: If You Ever Come Back
Genre: Romance, Angst
Rating: PG (for super slight language)
Pairing/Focus: Taemin/Sulli
Summary: He turns the knob to the room (their room) and his heart stops when he does not find anything. She's gone.
A/N: Needed to write a fic about Taelli that was not all cutesy-cutesy and fluff, because I think they needed to have their angst moment too. :)) Here's to hoping for more interactions soon. Especially in SMTOWN concerts (because I was spazzing about their recent SMTOWN interaction not too long ago). Haha. :))

It’s been a long day. He drags his feet across the streets and turns his way home. A greeting of the doorman, he greets back, a lazy press on the elevator button, it opens and he wills himself in. He presses the number 11 and slides his back to sit against the cold steel box lifting its way to his floor. He sighs, because, he’s tired and he just wants to lie down and be done with the world (for the day).

The elevator opens on a loud ping and he forces himself up to stand and get out. Apparently, he stops on his tracks when he sees the room to the apartment (their apartment) unit slightly opened. But somehow, he has a strong feeling that it was not caused by a robbery.

Even though drained and exhausted, he still manages to sprint and open the door and look around frantically. He turns the knob to the room (their room) and his heart stops when he does not find anything.

What he saw instead of a figure, a person, was a messed up closet, and a suitcase and a travel bag missing.

She’s gone.

And he doesn’t know what to say, because he half-expected it to happen, but hoped it never would. But it did. And it sucked.

He quickly walks his way to the kitchen, praying that a glass or two of water can wake him up and help him try to think where the hell she had gone to. Instead, he finds recently cooked kimchi jjigae with a piece of paper taped on top of the pot.

Don’t forget to eat your dinner, okay?

He laughs at himself and her stupid gesture (because really, who cooks someone dinner first before leaving them for a lifetime?)

He snatched the note, careful not to tear it because of frustration, and opens it. Her handwriting was always so beautiful. But in this letter, it was like it was written by a 5 year-old. It wasn’t ugly, but it looked like a kid definitely wrote it. Maybe she was in a hurry (but in reality, she was shaking when she wrote it. She was crying).


His named seemed to be the worst written out of all of the words (because she couldn’t bear writing his name down only to write goodbye after).

I know you’re wondering why there’s no one at home. Why there’s no one greeting you a ‘welcome back’ or why there’s no one asking you ‘how was work?’ and all those stuff. I know you’re wondering where I’ve gone to.

And I’m pretty sure you saw the room as well. I’m sorry it’s a mess by the way. But then again, you’ve always made sure it was a mess anyway.

Moving on.

By the time you are reading this, I’m pretty sure I have already left. I will tell you where, but it’s not like you can stop me (if you can even find it). Remember that day I told you I’ll be buying something from the store? First of all, I lied and I’m sorry. Second, I actually bought a ticket. Right now, probably, I’m on the train station waiting. As to which, I’m not telling. You can search every station you can, but I will not guarantee you can find me. I would have already left.


He stopped for a while, and just thought. He could see her, as if the situation was happening before his very eyes. She was just there, sitting by herself, with a pink suitcase full of stickers and a yellow bag full of random things. She had her head down, but he was not sure if she was crying or not, so he didn’t imagine anything. She was just there. Sitting. Doing nothing. Waiting for some machine to whisk her far far away from her reality (from him).

It hurt. It hurt just imagining it. What’s worse was that he was the one who caused it. Because of him, she ran away.

He continued reading, not wanting to think about it anymore.

I’m sorry what I said was kind of harsh. I didn’t notice until I was finished with it. Anyway, I don’t want to be a mean person. I don’t want to go without an explanation. So I left you this.

Do you remember that night, when I asked you that question? When I kept on contradicting what you were saying?


Of course he remembered. How couldn’t he when that was the day that he actually started being afraid of losing her, because it might be possible?

It was dinner on a Thursday and for the first time ever, they weren’t saying anything. She thought it would be the best time to break the silence.

“Hey, Taemin,”

He looked up from his almost full dinner plate (he didn’t feel like eating. He felt like something was wrong).


She kept on playing with her food, not wanting to look into his eyes (as she might not be able to say what she wanted if she did that).

“If I left, what would you do?”

And he almost dropped his fork.

“What? Jinri, are you kidding? Why would you leave? And besides, where would you go anyway?”

He laughed it off, she sighed, and he noticed. So he stopped smiling and took a deep breath.

“What if I get tired of our fights? Of our disagreements? What if I get sick of it? Of us? And then one day, I decided it was too much. What if I bought a train or a plane or a bus ticket or something, and left?”

He stared at her in awe. His heart wrenched in his chest because she sounded so freakin’ sure of herself, and he got scared. What if she did leave? If she actually does get sick of everything?

But no. He refused to believe it. He didn’t want to. It wasn’t going to happen. It just wasn’t.

“You wouldn’t do that, Jinri. You can’t,”

She looked up and there was intense pain in her eyes that he was taken aback.

“But what if I can, Taemin? What if I actually did it? What would you do?”

She bit her lip to prevent from crying and he just looked away because he could not bear seeing her getting hurt.

“You won’t. But if you do, I don’t know. I’m not sure what I’ll do,”

Her whisper was so silent that he almost didn’t catch it. After hearing it, that became his wake up call. He could lose her. And he was scared.

“Wrong answer,”

If you can recall it, then it makes sense now as to why I asked that question. I’ve been having the idea since our last big fight. But I’ve been stopping myself because I didn’t want to give up. Someone once said to me that when you are thinking of giving up, you think of the reason why you held on for so long.

So I did. I kept thinking of that reason. But after that last fight, I couldn’t take it anymore.

I’m tired, Taemin. I’m tired of everything. Of our constant fights and disagreements and our shouting and yelling and screaming and everything. I’m tired of you not being considerate on how I feel about you having lots of girl friends. I’m tired of you not explaining why you came home late. I’m tired of you lying to me.

I know you’re tired too, but you just won’t admit it. I know you’re tired of my constant jealousy. I know I’m too much sometimes. You’re tired of my worries when you just want to rest. You’re tired of having to explain every single thing. And I’m sorry.

But we’re both just lying to each other.

And I don’t want that, because it’s fucked up.

So I did something about it. I gave up. I didn’t want to, but I had no choice. I know, I know. I know what you’re thinking, that I always have a choice. Well yeah, I do. I chose to leave.

I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I liked the way we were when we first started going out. We weren’t like this. But we changed. I know that. You do too. We were so beautiful, but then we both broke. And it felt wrong.

I didn’t want to kid myself anymore. I want to fix this, us. But I can’t because it’s too late.


Taemin wanted nothing more but to crumple the piece of paper in his hands, but it took all of his will power not to. The pain was too much. He wanted to keep reading, but each word he read felt like a stab in the heart.

Flashbacks were occurring in his mind. The shouts, the arguments, the sleepless nights they both had because they were too busy thinking of who was right or wrong. He should have cherished those moments more. Because even though they weren’t exactly the best of situations, at least he still had her. And he still thought he couldn’t lose her, no matter how big their fight may get. But he was wrong.

Deep breath, Taemin. Deep breath.

He continued reading.

I will tell you one thing though.

I will never ever in my whole life, forget you.

I still remember when we had our first real fight, but we made up immediately after because you just couldn’t give me a kiss and hug goodnight.


He remembered it too.

That was the first time they ever raised their voices to each other. After the fight, Jinri pulled on the covers, laid down and turned her back at him because she was just too darn angry and she needed time to cool down.

He was pretty mad as well, more than he ever was, but when he lay down beside her, he couldn’t help himself. He wrapped his arm around her waist and rested his chin on her shoulder.

Her frown immediately disappeared, and his temper did too.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled. That was wrong. I love you, Jinri. Kiss goodnight?”

She smiled because (besides the fact that he sounded so damn cute) he was being such a sweetheart and she was the luckiest girl in the world.

“I’m sorry too. Besides, I started screaming,”

She turned around and pecked him on the lips, smiling after as he pulled her close to rest on his chest.

I remember when you took me to Lotte World for our 1 year anniversary. You were so cool and confident when you were taking me to the haunted house, but when it was time to ride on the roller coaster, you got so scared. I kept laughing the whole day.

You had sugar rush that day too, because of the cotton candy. You couldn’t stop talking and I just kept on smiling and laughing and being amused because you looked hilarious and cute.


“Where are we going, Taemin-oppa?”

“You’ll see,”

He unbinds her blindfold and whispers to open her eyes, which beamed with excitement. She doesn’t say anything, but pulls on his wrist instead and leads him to every single ride that made his head spin around and, “Jinri, no more. Please. I’m going to vomit everything I ate for lunch and breakfast,” and she giggles.

But when they pass in front of the entrance for the haunted house, he regained his cool composure and pulled on her hand.

“How about there?”

Her expression immediately changed.

“But, it’s scary and—”

“Let’s go!!”

His shirt almost got ripped to pieces because of her pulling and tugging every time someone would surprise her in the dark house. Still, he definitely did not regret going in.

Of course, how could I forget the day you introduced me to your friends?

They’re all really nice, by the way. Well, in their own way anyways. I really like them.


“Hi, I’m Choi Jinri. Nice to meet all of you,”

Jinri bowed the lowest she could because these were his friends and she really wants to make a good impression. He notices and smiles to himself.

“So, why Taemin? I mean, you could have just had me or—OW!!” Jonghyun gets hit in the head by Jinki and pouts like a little kid. Kibum shakes his head and Minho just sighs in disappointment.

“I’m sorry; he can be a bit impulsive. I’m Kibum. Key, if you would prefer. And I’m not usually this nice to strangers, but you don’t seem like a bitch so why not, right?”

Taemin hides his face in embarrassment as Kibum smiles at Jinri, who is a little unsure of whether she should take what he said as an insult or a compliment (probably both).

He was probably the most nervous about Minho though. Not that he didn’t want him to meet Jinri, it’s just...girls have a tendency to leave people for the guy. He doesn’t know why. People just love to love Minho so much, and he’s scared. He’s scared that Jinri might think like that too. Hopefully not.

“I’m Minho. Choi Minho,”

Minho reaches out his hand to shake hers, but she doesn’t take it (not on purpose, though. She swears, she didn’t see him reach out to her).

“Oh, hey, we have the same last name!”

She gives him an eye-smile, and Taemin rages deep inside, but keeps a nervous smile on the outside.

“Cool, isn’t it?”

Sometimes, Taemin thinks Minho purposely steals girls from their boyfriends. This would be one of those times.

“Tall, dark, handsome. Wow, my best friend sure would love you. You’re her ideal type,”

She smiles again and Taemin absent-mindedly lets out the breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Best friend?”

“Yeah, her name’s Soojung. She instantly falls for guys like you. You should meet her one time,”

She smiles at him one last time, and decides to talk to Jinki. Taemin stopped being nervous (Ok, she doesn’t fall for Minho like the other girls. I guess that’s a good sign?).

“I’m really sorry. I know we may seem like the last people on earth who would become friends, but once you get to know them, they get better. I swear,”

Jinki was as apologetic as he could be, but Jinri just giggled.

“I think you guys are cute,”

Everyone stopped and stared at her. No one, not one, of the girls any of the five of them ever dated called them cute (probably because they were always so stressed by the fact that the five of them together was such a big mess).

Kibum smirked.

“I like her even more now,”

Taemin could have just died because, Finally, someone right. She was perfect, and she was his.

He holds her close to him the rest of the day, feeling like the luckiest idiot in the world.

Do you remember our first kiss? I like how it’s cute and embarrassing at the same time. It still makes me laugh.

He couldn’t really make his move because every time he did, it felt like something was so damn wrong about it. Or maybe it just wasn’t the right time. Whatever the case, he wasn’t doing it any time soon.

They were standing on the front porch of her place when she turned around to bid her goodbye.

“Tomorrow again?”

She said and he didn’t know why but he decided to just go for it and just do it already because come on, What have I got to lose anyway?

But he trips on the sidewalk and he almost sent them both to ground (and fails rather miserably).

“Sorry, I was just—”

His hands seemed to somehow makes their way to her cheek and stroke the hair out of her face in an attempt to be romantic (and freakin’ cliché) but nothing really goes to his favour. He ends up putting his hand on her face and awkwardly leans in and lightly brushes his lips against hers for a millisecond, and she’s not shocked or surprised at all.

Instead, she laughs rather loudly and gives him that god-damned cute eye-smile of hers.

“Not what I imagined our first kiss to be,”

“Yeah, me too. I’m just a little flustered, sorry,”

She shakes her head and pulls him abruptly, wrapping her arms around his neck and kisses his warm lips which were a perfect fit with hers. He smiles into it and pulls her closer.

Good job, Taemin, you embarrassing fuck. I’m so stupid.

I bet I got you laughing now, didn’t I? But, here, take a guess. You know the favourite thing that I always like remembering no matter how worse our situation gets?

I like remembering the day we first met.


Taemin was being his usual lazy, I-don’t-want-to-do-it, useless self that day. Because school was being a bitch, and his friends were all losers for thinking they needed it, and every single girl was too busy being smart to hang out with someone as careless as him. So, he finds solitude under a big oak tree near the campus, somewhere he liked to hangout when cutting class was such an excellent idea. Catching up on sleep wasn’t too bad either.

Someone blocks his wonderful view of the outstretched field and he was not at all happy about it.

“What are you doing?”

The girl laughs and looks at him strangely.

“I’m contemplating on whether or not education is an important aspect of a human being’s life. Why are you here?”

He asks with a raised eyebrow because no girl would cut class (no girl with a perfect record that is).

“My name’s Choi Jinri. You?”

She smoothes her skirt before sitting down beside him under the shade of the big-enough tree, looking at him like she’s known him for so many years.

“Lee Taemin. And you still haven’t answered my question,”

“I got bored in Math, and you looked lonely. So I figured, why not, right? I’m pretty sure you’re much more enjoyable that solving for f(x) = x2 − 1. So, I’ll stay here, if that’s okay with you,”

A girl was actually willing to cut class (besides the fact that she was bored) just to keep him company. Yup, he was definitely more than interested.

“So you don’t like Math?”

“I do, actually. Solving for f(x) is my favourite lesson. But when you’re good at it, it gets kind of boring,”

That made him laugh, and obviously, that was a good sign. So he stays with her there the whole afternoon.

Despite the situation he’s in, he was smiling. Because of everything they have (had) and everything that she wrote. He was smiling because even though they had so many damn fights that almost tore them to pieces, they still have(had) more good moments.

Which made it even more heartbreaking. Because after every single good thing, they were destroyed by some stupid fight over a shallow reason that he couldn’t even remember.

Fuck. (And he swears, he could hear his heart shattering).

So he picks up his phone from his pocket and dials a number he was too familiar with.



“What’s wrong, Taemin?”

He slides his back against the wall, unable to stand up because every emotion in his being was too heavy for him to carry, and almost drops his phone.

“She’s gone,”

Jinri didn’t know why she was standing in the middle of a train station. She didn’t know why she had her huge pink suitcase full of stickers in her hand, and why she had her big yellow bag on the other. She didn’t know why she bought an expensive ticket to leave everything that she loved behind. She didn’t know. She didn’t freakin’ know.

“Excuse me?”

An old man tapped her on the shoulder and she instantly wanted to give him a hug because he looked so heartbroken and sad and it almost made her want to cry.

“Yes? Is there anything I can do for you?”

She tries to smile to lighten up the things, but the man shed a single tear and she bit her lip to stop her own from falling.

“Young girl, I know I’m asking for a lot from you, and I’m sorry. But do you have an extra ticket? Or maybe extra money to buy a last minute ticket? I really need to get to Busan,”

Her wallet had more than enough money to buy the man a ticket. But she wasn’t sure if there were any left that she could buy. The train was pretty booked.

“I’m not saying no, but can I just ask, why?”

The man wiped away another tear and smiled weakly. One of her heartstrings broke.

“I’m 80. My wife is 78. We don’t have much time together, as you can see, and I made the biggest mistake in my life. I need to get home to the love of my life, before it’s too late,”

He looked at her so sincerely and she was about to start crying when she heard a rather familiar voice behind her.

“Tickets are sold out, Jinri. Give it to him. He needs it more than you do,” They both turn to the young man behind her, complete with brown hair, and 3 other guys.


Jinki approaches her, not angry, but hopeful. Hopeful that she’ll change her mind and go back to where she belongs.

“He needs you, Jinri. I’m pretty sure you yourself, know that. The man needs to get back home to the love of his life. You need to do the same,”

Because she couldn’t take it anymore, her tears start running down her cheeks and she looked at the four guys before her, all with hopeful smiles on their faces. The train arrives, as if one cue, and the door stops in front of her. She looks at it once, but looks at them again and then the old man.

“Be careful, okay? I’ll be praying you arrive safely. Oh, and make sure you get down at the right stop,”

She hands her ticket to the man, who cries in joy and immediately gets on the train after giving her a decent hug. Then she runs to the four boys and gives them a group hug before wiping away her tears. They hail her a taxi, and she sits alone in the cab, praying for both her and the old man’s sakes.

The sound of the door opening and closing was almost too silent for him to even process. He looks up from his position on the floor, and she was there, suitcase in one hand, bag in the other, looking like she had not left just a few hours ago.

All he could muster up was a, “Hey,” to which she replied back with the same word (only with a different tone).

Her knees were shaking like she had just walked through the cold without a jacket on. Something about the situation scared her. And he could see that.

He could see the dried tears on her cheeks, the messed up hair, the shivering and shaking of her fragile and petite body. All he wanted to do was to hug the fright out of her. But he couldn’t. Not yet.

He stands up, “So, the train,”

Her breath hitched and he resisted the urge to wrap her up in his arms.

“Did it leave too early? Or maybe it never came?”

She shook her head a no and started talking in a cracked voice, “I gave my ticket away to a man,” and he furrowed his eyebrows together (because why would someone so desperate to leave just give away her chance like that?).

“He told me, he needed to get home to the love of his life, before it was too late,”

The tears were forming in her eyes again, and he was sure that his was going to do the same soon. She drops the travel bag and the handle of the case.

“And you?”

Deep breath, Taemin. Deep breath.

“I needed to get back to mine,”

He ran because he missed her even though it had just been a few seconds, minutes, hours, he does not care. He envelopes her in his arms and he didn’t care if he was killing both of them, but he was embracing her too tight that the thought of letting go was already thrown out the window. He didn’t want to. Not again. Not ever.

“I’m so sorry Jinri. Please, please, please, please, do not ever leave again,”

And they both looked ridiculous with the mix of deep breaths and tears and sniffs but they looked so in love and that was the only thing important. She nodded her head, not knowing how to find her voice.

She wraps her arms tighter around his neck, and he does the same to her waist and picks her up before settling her down again.

“I love you,”

She doesn’t respond, but kisses him instead. He got the message.

After everything, Taemin. Even after I leave I’m sure of one thing: that I won’t be able to forget you. But what I’m surer of is another thing.

I love you, Lee Taemin. Goodbye.

--Choi Jinri

Hope you guys enjoyed reading and comments are much appreciated. ♥

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